Five Ways Store Apps Should Be Improved

I’m pretty damn important, so listen up, billionaire fucks

Photo by Marques Thomas on Unsplash. Pay attention, Costco, y’all need to fix some shit.

One of my complaints in today’s world is how so many things are the same. If one company does something and has some success, every similar company must do the same damn thing.

I get it.

Companies need to make money. When one strikes gold, its competitors want the same and will follow suit, and vice versa.

I don’t have a problem with that. It’s a copycat world.

But that shouldn’t mean things should stay stagnant. Where is the ingenuity? Where is the creativity? Where are the improvements that will positively impact my life?

That’s right. I want some swag, some attention, some motivation. Woo me, goddammit.

I hate to brag, but I’m spending some serious coin all the fucking time on groceries, gasoline, and anything else with a price tag. I’m slinging bills like pete hegseth at Oktoberfest.

Do you think everyone is spending money like this?

To that I say, “HA!” Not everyone is making bank as a middle school teacher like yours truly.

In other words, I’m kind of a big fucking deal.

If these store chains want to earn/keep my valuable business, they need to up their game. Every major store chain has its own app. Of course, they do, because we are nipples deep in the world of technology.

Each app has the same shit — account info, ordering products online, weekly deals, blah, blah, blah. Been there, done that.

Let’s be honest, in the current state of crisis in the United States, sales and deals are few and far between and are pretty damn far from what I consider to be a bargain.

Despite that, we still shop because most of us prefer to stay vertical and above the ground. We’re funny like that.

Below are suggestions I recommend for stores to improve their apps. And listen up, billionaire owners of store chains, because I’m only going to say this once.

I’ve got shit to do, so fucking focus…

1. A crowd meter on your app would be epic

Recently, my wife and I went to Costco. We knew doing so on a Sunday increased the odds of it being more crowded than we prefer. But sometimes life dictates doing things at inopportune times.

We’re also aware that different levels of crowding relate directly to our emotional and mental state. (As well as the likelihood of buying Costco-sized bottles of Irish whiskey and/or spiced rum.)

It occurred to me while we were slaloming through the bowels of the warehouse like an Olympic skier in a Cybertruck that this shit could have been avoided if we knew how crowded Costco was before we left our home.

More so, we should have known.

Costco Powers That Be, it can’t be this hard to make this happen. If Disney can figure its shit out with its app to tell users how crowded their park is, then so can you, along with all the other stores and companies out there.

If we knew that Costco was brimming with customers, we would have tried later that afternoon.

Let’s be honest, Disney doesn’t do a damn thing unless they feel it will make them money. Follow the leader, competitors.

It’s what you do.

2. Being original and creative is important

I’m going to assume that store chains have listened to reason and decided to add a crowd meter to their apps. (Hey, I’m choosing to believe in positive intent — besides, this piece would be way too short otherwise.)

That being said, the job is not over; it’s time to get a bit more creative.

There’s more to a solid crowd meter than just showing the number of people in a store at any given time. Each company should consider its clientele and target audience to creatively show and label the various levels of crowding.

After all, no one loves labels more than rich, greedy, slimy billionaires (and sarcastic middle school teachers).

Here are some examples:

• Cabela’s could show an ammo clip from being nearly empty to fully loaded. They could label it from Vegan to Locked, Stocked, and Ready to Rock.

• Walmart could show pairs of pajama pants and pairs of Crocs from 1 (Payday Eve) to 5 (Game Day).

• Whole Foods could do the same thing, but use bald bezos heads or perhaps plastic asses of his wife instead. (Shoppers could earn 10 percent off if they can tell the difference.)

• Target could use the number of makeup mirrors from 1–5 and label them from Bed Head to Rodeo Clown (or kristi noem).

• Taco Bell could use bottles of Pepto Bismol with different levels of pink liquid from near empty (Calm Waters)to full (Colon Blow).

• Great Wolf Lodge could show the color of their water going from blue (Ocean) to more and more yellow (rfk jr’s bloodstream). (I know, ewwww. But it’s damn funny. When you’re not going there anytime soon. After all, who can abstain from paying $27 for five lukewarm chicken nuggets and six wilted fries?)

You get the point. Each company could show its understanding of its customers and show its sense of humor.

Let’s be honest — we’re in some dark times. Laughter combined with convenience and thoughtfulness is just the thing we need right now.

3. Let’s dig deeper…by generation

Knowing how crowded a store would be before leaving home would be great.

But why stop there? Since we’re already in the asshole pool, why not swim out to the deep end and get a little petty?

Knowing what kind of people are in the crowd would be ever so helpful. Before y’all get to calling me racist or ICE starts trying to recruit me, I’m not talking about race, gender, or religion.

I’m talking about various generations. Most of us are loyal to our generation and understandably so. At the same time, other generations often piss us off. It’s the circle of life.

Of course, this would need to be done via facial recognition software. Most stores have security cameras anyway. We’re on camera every time we shop. We might as well get some useful data out of it.

Places like Costco that use cards for entrance have age as part of the customer data already.

I will gladly shop in a store full of my fellow Gen Xers instead of a less crowded store with Gen Z or Baby Boomers. Despite their vast age differences, I find both of those generations aggravating as hell.

I know this sounds very discriminatory. And it is. To a point.

I’m fine with them going to whatever store they want to shop in. To each their own. I just don’t want to shop in the same store at the same time because they annoy the hell out of me.

Boomers drive their shopping carts like they drive their vehicles. Slow as fuck, stopping at inopportune times, and with the parking skills of Ray Charles.

With the Gen Z crew in the store, you could end up in six different TikToks and Instagram Reels without even realizing it. Which is just rude. At least they could be sure to get my best side for fuck’s sake. (In case you’re wondering, it’s probably my ass.)

By the time I’ve left the store, I’ve heard about who is breaking up with who, who is crushing on who, and why everyone’s problems are just the worst fucking thing ever.

I get enough of that shit teaching middle school. I don’t need it or want it when I’m trying to find where Costco moved the shit I’m looking for since I was in 10 days earlier.

Generation X is full of annoying people, too. But they are my people, my brethren. We share the same quirks, flaws, and don’t fucking mess with me right now vibes.

Any store that could show me which generations are currently populating their stores, would earn my business in a heartbeat.

4. Let’s dig deeper…by vehicle

This one is also petty as hell. I’m okay with that. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that.

As someone who loves to drive, certain vehicles grind my gears on sight. Yes, I am about to be stereotypical, again. Tough shit.

The vast majority of drivers of certain cars are my nemesis on the road. These same drivers tend to walk and shop with the same mannerisms as they do on the road.

And I am not down with that.

If I could see the parking lot of the store I intend to shop in, it would be a blessing. A parking lot with too many of certain vehicles would warn me of what to expect or cause me to come at a later time.

The more Priuses, Cybertrucks, Honda CRVs, Subaru Crosstreks, and massive-I’m-compensating-for-my-small-dick trucks that are parked at my store of choice, the lower I can keep my pulse rate and rage meter by coming at a later time.

5. Costco is its own thing, and they need to use that shit

I’m going to pick on Costco just a bit because I was there when this idea came to me in the first place. Also, because it is the king of box stores.

What other store chain uses people with used-car-salesman smiles, standing on two-inch padded mats, armed with highlighters as its last line of defense against shoplifters? (Granted, they are slightly more intimidating than WWII vets in blue vests at Walmart.)

Besides, who shoplifts at Costco? Is it even possible? Truthfully, if someone can successfully shoplift any Costco-sized product, they should just get to keep it, along with a shoutout on their website.

Besides, no one steals from Costco because we take advantage of its insane trusting return policy. I’ve seen people return fake Christmas trees that cost a grand because Christmas is over, and they want their money back and don’t want to store the tree all year.

Costco is also unique as hell. (Where else on this planet can we get a hot dog the size of a porn star’s member and a Coke for $1.50?)

Add to that chaos the two dozen free samples they have scattered throughout the store like booby traps in a Rambo movie while we traverse through with carts the size of a Smart Car, and you get the patented Costco experience.

Costco’s app would need at least three different crowd meters. One for the population level of the overall store. One for the number of sample stations across its labyrinth (along with an accurate map locating each one). And a third showing the number of lurkers waiting to snatch the new batch as soon as it’s set down.

Costco is unique, and its app should show that while easing the stress of its customers. I’m already loyal to Costco. If these changes were implemented, my loyalty would only increase. Ditto to any other company willing to do the same thing.

As I said, it’s a copycat world. How nice would it be for billionaires to copy something that benefited us for a change?

After all, we’re pretty fucking important.

Thanks for reading.