I’ve Flown With Too Many Assholes Lately
We don’t need Air Marshals — we need a dedicated team on each flight to deal with jerks
We are about to wrap up April in 2025.
In these past four months, I’ve been on several flights. I’ve learned something from those trips across the sky.
There are just way too many assholes flying today.
I’m talking about an epidemic number.
What is happening on airplanes lately is nothing short of an all-out assault on my skills to deal with the general public in ways that don’t involve me screaming in despair like Melania Trump when her husband stops by or displaying my vast array of ninja skills across international airports.
Trust me, dear readers, no one who spends time with me regularly wants my skills to deal with people to get any worse.
I do like to travel, though. Which means I have to deal with people — a lot of people.
I was hoping thumb-dicks musk and bezos would spend their billions on something valuable like duplicating the “beam me up, Scotty,” technology that would really make an impact on travel.
But, nooooooo, they keep teasing us by sending annoying rich fucks on jaunts to space and then having the audacity to bring them back less than fifteen minutes later.
That shit is just mean. It’s not nice to tease people, you billionaire pricks. At least keep them up there for a few months.
Exhibits A, B, C (and onward)
The following are just a few examples of behavior I’ve witnessed on flights in 2025.
A father and son sat next to me (window, middle) and brought on board two full-sized pizza boxes and a large bag of breadsticks. They proceeded to pass slices of pizza and bread to family members in the rows in front of us. This is not a family picnic in Venice, gentlemen. By the way, there are no garbage bins on a plane that fit two fucking pizza boxes!
A woman sitting next to my daughter seemed to have a bladder the size of a lemon seed. This woman was in the middle seat, which meant my daughter repeatedly had to get up so she could use the restroom. I understand people have medical conditions. But this woman didn’t ask my daughter to move. Instead, she would poke my daughter’s shoulder like a woodpecker on meth until she stood up.
After a six-hour flight, our plane had just pulled up to the gate. My wife wanted to stand up to stretch her legs, just like over half the passengers. She couldn’t because a woman from several rows back had bolted up and stood directly next to my wife, so she couldn’t stand there. The woman then proceeded to huff and puff like a cartoon wolf because the line wasn’t moving. Newsflash: this isn’t a grocery store. Deplaning hundreds of passengers and all of their shit takes time. Deal with it — and do it back by your own fucking seat so my wife can stand.
There are so many more. But, the point of this piece is not to bitch about people acting like clueless, entitled pricks on planes. (Well, it’s not entirely the point.)
Fear not! No thanks to annoying-ass billionaires, I have a solution.
Forget Air Marshals — each flight needs an Air Crisis Avoidance Team
I have no idea if air marshals are still a thing. (Probably not on Canadian flights. Maybe a Tim Horton’s rep instead. But, I digress.)
Every flight over five hours long should have a team of professionals to help keep everyone’s shit together. I call them an Air Crisis Avoidance Team. (ACAT).
I’m convinced that if every lengthy flight had a team like this, everyone’s experience would be smoother and more enjoyable.
There would be far fewer Karens-Gone-Wild takedowns of Flight Attendants. Fewer racist or sexist attacks on planes. Less social media videos of people bitching because someone won’t give up their seat to some whiny dick who wants to swap seats to sit with their kid.
In short, less preventable bullshit.
I can’t say none of those things will happen because some people have to fuck things up no matter what. It’s just in their bloodstream. But, for the average person, an ACAT could be just the thing for a more enjoyable flight.
Each crisis avoidance team would consist of the following:
Bartender: Yes, passengers can buy alcoholic drinks on planes. No offense to the stewards of the skies, but they’re not bartenders. There is a difference. A good bartender listens to you, sympathizes, warns you, and gives you advice.
Besides, any bartender worth their margarita salt can drill a customer between the eyes with a sarcastic comment, make a threat to stand down the behavior without missing a beat, or provide sage advice.
Also, who is better at knowing when to cut a customer off and doing so with aplomb than a real bartender?
Pharmacist: It goes without saying that this pharmacist would come with a collection of “goodies.” I’ve seen too many passengers try their damndest not to lose their shit on a flight. The proper medication could help in such situations.
I saw an example of this recently.
A couple in their 30s was on our flight to Mexico. This couple was unique. The woman had some kind of homemade stuffed animal. It was a neon green and yellow alligator the size of a toddler, with a head that was three sizes too small.
The man was dressed with similar fashion sense as The Dude from The Big Lebowski, except with khaki cargo pants, which neither the Dude nor I can abide.
It was weird as fuck.
Late in the flight, we hit semi-violent turbulence. The woman was distressed and not handling it well.
She kept trying to hold her man’s hand. With all the empathy of Andrew Tate, he retorted, “Eww. Your hand is slimy. Gross!” (I had flashbacks to grade school and kids screaming about cooties.)
She tried to hold his knee instead. “Stop! I don’t want your clammy hands staining my pants.” Dude, your cargo pants aren’t made out of wax paper. They can withstand your girlfriend’s sweaty hand, you heartless fuck.
Again, these people were both in their 30s.
Imagine a pharmacist coming down the aisle and offering some meds to help her stay calm and finish the plane ride.
No doubt, the passengers in the area who had to endure their insipid conversations and rank body odor would partake of some Ibuprofen and perhaps some lavender potpourri as well.
Therapist: Not everyone responds well to meds. That’s fine. Other options are available. Perhaps some time with a therapist to discuss some things would do nicely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Discussing personal shit on a plane filled with hundreds of people may seem odd. Trust me, it’s not.
When was the last time you were on a plane? At least 85 percent of the passengers have headphones or AirPods in.
Another six percent are watching a movie on their device with no listening device, meaning their neighbors are forced to listen to whatever these entitled fucks are watching.
The rest are sleeping or raw dogging the flight.
The odds of anyone even paying attention to your personal shit are equal to your teenager listening when you ask them to do any chore that involves getting off their ass and their phone.
Besides, it’s a plane full of strangers you’ll never see again once you leave the airport. Fuck ’em.
Bouncer: Last, but not least, would be some muscle.
Despite ACAT making people’s plane ride more pleasant and comfortable, there are bound to be some assholes who just have to asshole.
These are the full-on Karens and MAGAts whose goal in life seems to be to fuck shit up as much as possible for as many people as possible just because it’s the one thing they’re good at.
They don’t seem to serve any purpose except to be an example of who the rest of us aspire not to be.
We’re talking Marjorie Taylor Greene clones. (Quick aside: am I the only one praying that the Pope is haunting the shit out of her every night?)
People like this can not be satisfied — it’s just not in their DNA.
Fortunately, that doesn’t matter because the team’s bouncer is trained to deal with their shit. As annoying as these people are, they tend to fall into the same personality dynamic as the typical bully.
They’re cowards.
For as much as they scream and bluster, they often have the strength and substance of lemon meringue when someone stands up to them. The bouncer will effectively deal with any bullshit these assholes can muster.
That act alone will excite the other passengers to the point they may do The Wave down the entire length of the plane as if they were cheering at a game.
Who can be in a bad mood when they’re doing The Wave?
The logistics work because I say so
Yes, this idea will work.
There are tens of thousands of qualified people out of work right now, thanks to our pathetic excuse for a president and his band of idiots.
Airlines have money for things like this. Just like other rich companies and people, they hate to spend it.
But they can read stock reports just like everyone else. The know there is a massive pile of shit sitting in front of a huge fan. Remember Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park?
People who lose at the stock market don’t buy plane tickets. Unless there’s something new and exciting to spend it on.
And let’s be honest — there is a high number of people looking to jettison this country at least for a short time.
People who know their flight would have an ACAT would be more likely to splurge a bit for a trip knowing there would be some kick ass customer service.
The idea of drinking a Jameson and Coke and seeing a MAGAt get his ass beat by a bouncer would be enough for me to splurge right there.
First-class passengers can fuck off
One last vital bit of info: the ACATs would not be available for first-class passengers.
Those fuckers in first class are good where they are. Especially the ones on international flights with seated areas that look like studio apartments.
They are just fine receiving their cloth napkins, quiche, steak tartar, blow jobs, and whatever else goes on up there.
This isn’t like our government. We have to draw the line for the rich fucks somewhere.
And there you have it. My solution to the crisis of assholes darkening our plane rides.
Get on this, airlines!
Let’s have the ACATs provide some alcohol, meds, therapy, and a bouncer to get our skies friendly again.
Thanks for reading.