As A Man, One Common Question In Rape Investigations Enrages Me
The answer doesn’t matter — ever
There isn’t much that today’s humans can agree on without coming to blows or losing their minds on social media.
One topic that people can relate to — in different ways, perhaps, but agree nonetheless — is that the world is a scary-ass place. Living in a frightening place means many people have similar fears.
There is a common fear among women and those who love them throughout this planet — rape. Another fear, which is nearly as strong, is the investigation after a rape.
Both fears are valid, and both are infuriating because they shouldn’t be necessary.
Rape should never happen. But it does.
Reporting a sexual assault to the authorities shouldn’t make the survivor feel at fault for the attack. But it often does.
According to statistics, my wife or daughters will be sexually assaulted
That may be the scariest sentence I’ve ever written.
As a husband and father of four daughters, I am constantly scared for the safety of the women in my life.
Part of my fear is the primal DNA coding of any parent. From their child’s birth, a parent’s first and everlasting concern is keeping them safe from any kind of harm.
Even after our children grow into adults, that fear never leaves us. Ever.
The dominant fear that never goes away is another man attacking my daughters or wife. Since men are around as much as women, that terror is constant and never fades.
It shouldn’t.
Since there are five women in my immediate family, according to alarming and vile stats, the chances of at least one of them being sexually assaulted are stunningly high.
Here are some brutal stats from RAINN (Rape, Assault and Incest National Network):
There is a rape in the United States every 68 seconds.
Annually, there are 463,634 victims of sexual violence (aged 12 and older). That’s 1,270 a day.
1 in 5 women experience attempted or completed rape. The first assault or attempted assault for women often happens before age 25.
Only 25 of 1,000 rapists go to prison.
55 percent of sexual assaults happen at/near the victim’s/survivor’s home.
15 percent of sexual assaults happen in an open public space.
12 percent of sexual assaults happen at/near the home of a relative of the victim/survivor.
48 percent of sexual crimes happen while the victim/survivor is sleeping or another activity inside their home.
29 percent of sexual crimes happen while the victim/survivor is traveling to/from work or school or running errands.
12 percent of sexual crimes happen while the victim/survivor is at work.
Seven percent of sexual crimes happen while the victim/survivor is at school.
A common thread in those stats is this: women are attacked by men anywhere at any time.
I will go to jail for assault over one question
It’s well known that many survivors of rape or sexual assault often refuse to report the attack to authorities, whether it be law enforcement, school officials, or bosses at work.
There are two main reasons for this.
Emotional trauma: Many survivors feel deep shame over the assault, blame themselves, don’t want others to know, or feel they can’t handle talking about what happened to them with anyone, especially male authority figures. Depending on the circumstances, they may not be certain of the details themselves, especially if their drink was doped, head injury, etc.
Blaming the survivor: This one infuriates me to a dangerous level. Many standard questions for a survivor of sexual assault are not designed to find the assailant or find out what happened. They are designed to find an excuse for the attack, to shift at least partial blame to the victim, and to seed doubt in the mind of the survivor, any allies, and the public that the rapist is truly and completely at fault.
Being as close to women as I am, being a feminist as I am, and being a fucking decent human being, I often find the treatment of survivors of sexual assault to be repugnant.
As vile as I find many of the standard questions asked in sexual assault investigations, one leads the pack to my rage.
“What were you wearing when the assault occurred?”
If I am present when that question is asked, I am losing my shit on the person asking it. I am raining down verbal and physical blows like a volcanic eruption. I don’t care who is asking or what their job may be or how powerful they are.
This is not a threat; it’s a fact.
My entire family has been taking Taekwondo for nearly 10 years. We can all do some damage. Trust me, good people, I am kicking and swinging like a bastard if that question is asked of my daughters or wife.
No victim or survivor of rape or sexual assault is ever at fault. Never, fucking, ever.
I will die on that hill in this life and the afterlife.
There is no purpose in asking that question, besides blaming the victim
If any of the women in my life are assaulted, I won’t be doing well in any sense of the word. And because she will likely be doing far worse than me, I will hold her until she begs me to let go.
I will also want answers to questions that matter.
What services are available to help her? How can we help her?
What did he do? Who is he? Where is he? What is happening to find him?
What my daughters or wife was wearing is irrelevant. The same answer goes for any victim or survivor of sexual assault.
Rape is a crime of anger and hatred. Not attraction.
Clothes don’t have a goddamn thing to do with sexual assault or rape.
Not ever.
As you can see from this linked article, survivors of rape can be wearing anything at any age at any place.
Clothing. Does. NOT. Matter.
The one constant with women being raped is men.
Asking what a victim was wearing does nothing but shift blame to the survivor and off the rapist or assailant. It shows the police are already looking for an out, for an excuse, for a reason not to place the blame where it belongs.
On the attacker.
None of this is news — and that’s a problem
There is not one bit of new information in this piece.
Individual stats may not be general knowledge, but the meaning behind the stats is well-known.
Rape statistics around the world are horrific.
Self-defense tactics, classes, weapons, advice, et al are constantly evolving and worldwide because of those stats.
The percentage of rapists who are held accountable drops significantly at each step, from public accusations, formally charged, put on trial, and convicted.
A common defense strategy for rapists is to blame the survivors. The media, social media, and general public often follow suit.
Survivors are often scrutinized, blamed, insulted, and doubted far more than the accused rapists.
The bullet points could be endless.
The message behind them is clear — rapes and sexual assaults are prevalent across this planet despite constant self-defense strategies and tools.
Even worse, the treatment of victims and survivors is often inexcusable.
Because of that, the vicious cycle of male violence against women continues to burn and consume women and those who love them. That fire will burn bright and hot until enough of us — men especially — decide to fight back.
That can start by focusing on supporting women, supporting survivors, and stop caring about their fucking wardrobe.
Thanks for reading.
Thank you. Just discovered your account. It’s so rare to see men saying/writing this way. Appreciate it.